A Younger Me

I was cleaning out my old school binders when I came across this 'autobiography' my Economics teacher made us write him on our first day of class, four years ago. Its funny how some things change, and others dont.

What You Should Know About Me

           There are not very many things you should know about me, but there are lots of things you can know about me. First of all, I am 17. My real name is Jaclyn, but I usually go by Jackie. It doesn't make a difference to me which one you call me, as long as its one of the two. I don't think I would respond to anything else. I am female. Surprise surprise. I have a younger sister named Andria who I call Andy, and everyone else calls A.J. (Her middle name is Jean which is where the J comes from). I have, sadly, lived in Davis in the same one story, pink house my entire life. But things could be worse. I have almost everything I want, and everything else I don't is superfluous. My favorite subject is English (sorry :]) and its usually the one I'm best at. I applied to UC Davis and am hoping against all hope that that is where I wind up. If not, I will probably cry for a week and then go to Sac State. On the weekends I play soccer for two different teams, and during the week I don't really do much but goof off and procrastinate doing my homework. I did apply for a job at De Luna Jewlers and I have an interview in exactly 26 hours from right now. You should probably also know that I'm a spazz and I don't take very many things seriously, including school, which can drive a lot of my teachers nuts. I apologize up front if this happens to you, I'll try and behave as much as possible. Two of my best friends are in your third period class, and they're pretty much the same as me. I suppose it's a good thing were not all together...Other then that there really isn't much more to me that you won't be able to figure out by the end of the year. I hope reading this autobiography at least made you smile, or at least broke the monotony of reading 100 of these in a row. Cheers!


I wonder how many more of these little gems I'll uncover..

Literary Mashup

When Good People meet Hills Like White Elephants.

            They were up on a picnic table by the edge of the lake, with part of a downed tree in the shallows half hidden by the bank. It was springtime, and the park's grass was very green and the air suffused with honeysuckle and lilacs both, which was almost too much. The girl wore a thin old checked cotton shirt with pear colored snaps with the long sleeves down and always smelled very good and clean, like someone you could trust and care about even if you weren't in love. He did not ever include it - that word - for had he once said it, avowed that he did lover her, then it all would have been transformed. But he could not say he did: it was not true. He did not do this now. It would be cruel and indecent.
             One thing he did do was reassure her again that he'd go with her and be there with her. It was one of the few safe or decent things he could really say.
            "It's really an awfully simple operation. Its not really an operation at all."
He thought he knew how she must have felt as it got closer and closer and how she must be so scared. She'd only talked about it that once.
           "I'll go with you and I'll stay with you all the time. We'll be fine afterward. Just like we were before".
           She did not reply. He could not read her heart- she was blank and hidden. That he'd be thinking about her and feeling bad for her, she knew, but he couldn't be in there with her. The girl did not say anything. She knows he does not love her, not that way, has known it all this time.
          "If I do it you'll be happy and things will be like they were and you'll love me?" 
          "I'll love it. I'd do anything for you."
          "Once they take it away, you never get it back. Doesn't it mean anything to you?"
          "I don't care about me."
          He knew it was wrong, knew something was required of him that was not this, but he pretended to himself he did not know what it was that was required.
         This was on awful thing.
         The shallows lapped from different directions at the tree as if teething on it. He could look at her head, but not at her.  He pictured in his mind an image of himself on a train, waving mechanically to something that got smaller and smaller as the train pulled away.  A head peaking out from underneath a skirt.
        "We'll be fine afterwards. Just like we were before."
        This lie is not a sin. The worse he felt, the stiller he sat. He looked more like a picture than a man. Two hearted, a hypocrite to himself either way.

The Long Train Home

Kate Chopin's, The Story of an Hour, retold from Brentley's point of view.

            It had been a long day at the office and the monotonous rocking of the train was lulling Brentley to sleep. He feebly tried to stay awake, not wanting to miss his stop but it would not have mattered. He was on auto pilot after so many years and his arm went up on its own, pulling the greasy yellow cord before falling back down to lie limply atop his crumpled hat. He closed his eyes and sighed.

             Brentley pulled into his drive way, unaware of the road he had taken to get there. He didn’t even notice the unusual number of cars parked in his driveway. All he wanted was to sit back in his beloved arm chair, perfectly molded to his body after so long and gaze out the window. He would sit there for hours sometimes, oblivious to his wife’s dissatisfaction, always watching until the sun met the horizon. It was the closest he came to happiness in a life that had lost all purpose long ago.

              Brentley reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. He removed his hat as he opened the door, already prepared to place it on the hat rack just inside the door. His mind reeled as a loud scream pierced the air and something jumped to block his way. He was overwhelmed by a sense of wrongness, even before the images in front of him had time to register. He saw Richard, hands thrown out towards him as if to stop him, a look of horror painted on his face. His wife’s sister with arms gripped tight around his wife, mouth still open in a scream, tear streaks fresh on her face. His wife standing there, silently. Accusingly.

A moment of profound disappointment seemed to flash across her face before she hit the floor.

Mutual Weirdness

I sent my boyfriend an email today with an easy recipe for bbq shortribs. In response, he unwittingly sent me confirmation that we're totally meant to be together. His message was short and simple, yet so silly and sweet I don't think he could have done anything to make me love him more than at that moment. It includes a little bit of everything I love, including his charming sense of humor and personal quirks. I'll omit part of the message for personal reasons, but I dare you not to be cheered up by the rest of it.

The email:


 Here are some things that I think you need to enjoy.

-Your booty call (I better be on speed dial 1 ho!)

 































( warm fuzzy moment <3 )




























































 































I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend...

Stir Crazy

When driving cross country there's only so much you can do to entertain yourself. Thank God for satellite radio! This was from an interview with a champagne snob connoisseur about proper storage and drinking techniques.
I found it's much more fun if you answer the questions yourself. Interviewer=bold, expert=italic

What is the proper pouring technique when serving champagne?
Pouring?! Its new years! Tilt the head back and pour it straight down the hatch!

What should I do if I have an unfinished bottle?
Finish it you idiot! 
You should put a Silver Spoon in the top and place it somewhere cool.
   Hah! yeah right. Only if you're going to play capture the flag spoon with it later on! I think you should put a balloon over the top instead, shake it up and let science take over. Then you should follow it up with a massive, all inclusive, no holds barred pillow fight. In your underwear.

How many bubbles can one glass of champagne produce before it goes flat?
Are you serious? Who cares! A) you should drink it before it's even had a chance to think about going flat and B) if you can count that high you clearly haven't had enough to drink and need to down that one and grab another! (the answers about 2 million just incase you wondering)

Do things like wearing lipstick or chapstick effect the taste of the drink?
    DON'T CARE! It's a party, lipstick adds some color. Besides, it's how I mark my glass. 
Yes it does.
    SEXISM! Foul play! Screw you champagne, I thought we were friends! Good luck getting just men to drink you...

Do things like leftover soap in the glass affect the taste?
    Well duhh....they make it taste like soap! What a dumb question...
How does temperature affect taste?
The colder it is the more carbonated it stays.
     So more hiccups?
 More carbonation equals more bubbles. These bubbles then actually remove impurities in the champagne making it taste crisper.
     Ah. Like the soap. So what your saying is if I'm dumb enough to leave soap in my glass I can just pour REALLY cold champagne in it and let it do it's thing, while in the meanwhile counting the number of bubbles till it goes flat. GENIOUS. Two birds with one stone...

'Tis the Season!

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

The Centerpiece

The Place Settings

aaaaaand I was too busy cooking to take pictures of the food. Sorry! My family, being the unconventional mess that it is, actually opened our presents last night and here is the highlight of the evening- my Gramma's horrifying awesome gift to my sister.

Part 1:

Just to clarify, the evil laughter is coming from the DOG...

Part 2:

Bet you wish you had one, right?

A scene from the candle lit service:

And my two favorite houses in the neighborhood :]

Merry Christmas everyone! Don't forget to leave some cookies and milk out for Santa!

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

After being rather sentimental yesterday I decided to post something a bit more lighthearted today. Here is something I stumbled upon a few years ago, I'm sure some of you have already read too. I promise, it's still as funny the second time!

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
            Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
             When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
            I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
            Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
           I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
           A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
            Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
            Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
            I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
             My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
               I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

                                                          Your devoted fan,
                                                           Jim

For the West Wing version of this clever piece of prose click here.

*Note: This is not mean to be offensive to anyone. As a religious person myself I think it only makes it that much funnier.